Life with Lo

Struck, silenced, and surrounded by the sirens of chaos.

Always thought I would never be able to find love, trust, or security again. Threw myself into the depths of this horrid and bottomless pit of doubt. Heartbreaks fell on repeat. Judgment was screaming my name, and as soon as it fell quiet, he would whisper a gentle reminder.

That overwhelming sense of self destruction, caused the question to arise, “Deserved?”

Was one of my best characteristics, my own downfall? Empathetic nature or a disguise for naiveness? I prefer to say the first, while others may stick to the latter. Maybe now is the time to clarify. I knew. All of the signs, all of the wronging, the deceit, and the evidence that was smashed into my face, I knew about it all. I chose. Believing in others who were as misguided as I perceived myself to be. Gripping onto this idea that they had compassion, that they were not the monsters they appeared to be. Feeling their pain, and resonating with my own. I chose to accept it and continue on. Naiveness is tied to the unknown, and lack of experience. Dear friends, I had experienced it all.

I knew what I should have done, yet I chose differently. All of it had a purpose, and although none worked in my favor, they all contributed to my growth.

To the man who made me understand what love, and true love at that, was; then proceeded to shatter every ounce of innocence towards love I had left… thank you. I am now appreciative of when it finds me and fully embrace the time I have with it.

To the man who swept me off my feet, into a delusion greater than most, and then began to show me your darkness as if I could not find the light to escape. I found that, and I thank you for shining down on the fact that love is blind. Although love may be beautiful, you gave me the strength to unmask it and walk away. A constant reminder to evaluate when necessary, and never be scared or shy to leave before it becomes too late.

To the man who loved me, unconditionally, but violated my trust. Thank you for showing me that even the ones I hold the closest, can be damaging, and to never underestimate.

To the man with an indescribable connection. Your love weighed heavier than most. Supporting you was the greatest and worst choice I ever made. I believe the connection was so powerful because you understood me. You put a lock on my best qualities, and only turned the key when it was beneficial to you. I chose to believe that you opened the gates because somewhere, down deep, you knew I deserved better. I chose to believe you had a conscience. You proved me wrong, and that one situation was more valuable to my growth than the entirety of the relationship. Thank you for strengthening my concept of loyalty, and throwing away your key.

To the man who manipulated my self worth and made me forget I was worth the effort. Thank you for enhancing my confidence, and showing me that there are men who would be happy to do the things you wouldn’t.

To the man who was brilliant enough to have me dig my own grave. You failed to see what you had, misused and abused it, and still continued to smile. You saw my eyes in true pain; a witness to the transition of colors when I cry. You tore me apart from within and took pride in it. It had been nearly eight years since I had ever been consumed by that brutal mental and physical confinement, and with my mind flashing back to the past, it became clouded. Thank you, for I had an explosion of emotions and told you, word for word, how you made me feel. That was the most empowering moment of my life. Others may attribute you to weakness, but the irony in all of this, is that you filled my strength to the brim.

Life with Lo, an ode to the transition into adulthood. Breaking barriers, learning lessons, and loving every minute of it.

I have come leaps and bounds in these past few years, and I have come to the realization that I did not do this all by myself. I was guided by those who chipped away at me.

Little did they know, I rearranged those pieces into the most exquisite masterpiece.

Until next time,

Lo.