Tag Archives: poet

The Cliffs

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Dangling my feet

over a sea of navy.

Gripping onto sanity

like the hands that grip this earth.

I’m on a patch of green,

a color to be calming,

and yet these daydreams

are nightmares in hiding.

I’m trying.

I’m trying to separate 

the grief and despair

from the gratitude

of the salty air.

Does this shatter the image

that I’m clinging to?

Where it’s all figured out

and I’m reaping the rewards.

Every wave that crashes

against the rocks below

is just an audible reminder

that I am breaking also.

–

So here I sit,

in a place I deemed my peace.

Whispering my surrender

to the life I did not seek.

If I seem vacant,

know my mind is at the cliffs.

I’m rearranging thoughts

and displacing any rifts.

I’ll save you a spot,

if you’re not afraid of heights.

It’s a long drop to the bottom,

but here, 

it’s all alright.

Sixteen Years

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I never thought I’d write a farewell poem to you, but here I am.

I hope you know I don’t hold any anger,

not a shred of resentment.

It was just you and I, for the longest time.

I knew the darkest parts of your life and you knew mine.

I also partook in the brightest, as did you.

I believe the intimacy of it all is what kept us so close.

–

How is it that even the thickest of ropes burned so quickly?

As if we both struck a match on either end, and simply forgot.

You knew in your heart that we were drifting, and I don’t want you to tell yourself otherwise.

I knew in mine.

I knew it was almost time.

–

I could see it in your eyes.

The jealousy, the despair; the hidden madness within…

You would verbally address it on accident from time to time, a little slip of the tongue.

I could see it in your smile.

One so forced, one so unhappy, and one just for the photos.

It killed me, slowly but surely.

I’d get off the phone and my husband would know.

I’d have a gut punch to the chest and I couldn’t hide it.

I felt guilt and shame for not being the one to make you happier.

I couldn’t fix it.

I couldn’t fix you.

–

This genuine soul I’d known for so long, was deeply hurting.

I was the cause of the damage.

Unfortunately, all I was doing was living my life. 

I thought you’d be happy for me.

I went through hell and back to find this path. 

I experienced the worst betrayals, heartaches, violations… you name it.

But now?

Now I’m finally at peace.

Why?

Why couldn’t you display an ounce of true joy for your oldest and closest friend?

–

I tried to be sympathetic and collected.

I revisited your past and could explain your behavior away. 

I ended up excusing your behavior so much, that I was oblivious to my own suffocation. 

My words were spent on you.

My breath was spent on you.

I was dying.

It was the most painful realization of my life that the person I held closest to my heart was nothing more than dead weight.

Crushing my soul every chance she got.

–

I wasn’t allowed to do better, to have better, to be better.

You wouldn’t allow it.

You’d pretend, but I knew.

You forgot that I knew you.

–

I know every eye twitch to eye roll.

I know every sarcastic low blow.

I know the undertones of your conceit.

I know the deceptions, and the cracks 

in the media they can’t see.

I know you.

I know the good.

I know the bad.

I know it all.

I loved it all.

I still love you.

–

Whether you’ll believe that or not, I’m no longer sure.

However, it remains true.

I can love something or someone even if it holds no value.

I can pray and wish them well, even if they’re far away.

I don’t mean to cause you harm and I definitely don’t want to see any come your way.

–

But, my love, it’s time.

I ask you to face the mirror.

To wonder why this is a recurrent theme.

To want to heal the parts of yourself you refuse to see.

I can only imagine that after that,

you’ll be the friend I knew you to always be.

–

I say this with the purest love.

You no longer serve purpose in my life.

You no longer contribute to my growth and wellbeing.

The negativity simply became all too consuming.

–

I will not delete your photos.

I will not block your number or delete your messages.

I will not erase your impact.

I will sit quietly,

in the nosebleeds of the bleachers,

cheering you on.

You’ll never see me,

but I’ll continue to see you.

I’ll continue to root for you.

–

When you’re healed…

Man…

What a beautiful person you’ll be.

Bad Kid

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Everyone loves to throw shade.

I take the brunt of it,

so go ahead, 

throw it my way.

I can’t take it.

You read that right.

I said that I can’t.

I shatter like glass,

but who wouldn’t?

When you choose to be an ass.

–

I’m not bending down on one knee,

repeatedly saying sorry,

like the problem only lies with me.

Hate to pop your ego,

but you’ve got issues also.

At a time when I’m at my lowest,

new medical diagnosis after diagnosis…

I’m already dying.

Thanks for trying?

–

Every comment you make,

every single low blow,

you’re just coffin hunting baby;

time to put on a show.

–

I grew up always being the one in the wrong.

Suppress, suppress!

Your emotions are like the most lackluster song.

No one wants to pay for a record that doesn’t make them dance.

Wake up, wake up!

You humans are in a trance.

There are depths to our feelings,

and I beg you to explore.

Perhaps then, you’d understand more.

I don’t need your empathy or sympathy.

I hate the tone of your voice; just doesn’t sit well with me.

–

I’m looking for the real ones.

The ones who truly get it.

What it’s like to be the “bad kid”

even when you were considered “perfect.”

I did well in school.

Partly due to intelligence,

but mostly for the recognition.

Didn’t get that much, unless I was in class.

I could study for an hour,

and I’d still ace that test.

It was a challenge to me,

and I got a high from getting an A.

A mini celebration,

the only one sent my way.

–

That’s why I love pieces of paper.

We had an intimate connection,

one that never wavered.

–

I’m an acquired taste,

I’ll admit it.

But I’ve been through some shit,

and I’m a badass for it.

You can judge,

while you live your life of lies.

I’ll continue to speak my truth.

Only the damaged will survive.

From Beyond

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How do you partake in a subtle diss?

Do you openly state who you’re targeting

or do you keep it vague and leave them oblivious?

After all, when everyone else can assume…

it’s them who look like the idiots.

If the shoe fits, they say.

I think I’ve got a whole shop,

and people buy these shoes every day.

–

Blood is thicker than water.

What a narrative.

Blood is nothing but biology,

and I’d personally rather drown 

than take the time to explain the psychology.

–

I get a penny from beyond all the time.

I believe it’s from one person,

reminding me that I’ll be fine.

He was blood.

What a time that was.

When someone maintains the bond 

and offers up support like your favorite song.

–

He’s the only tattoo I have on my body.

His words, “Wish you were here” 

speak so loudly.

If only you knew the heartbreak

of knowing most of your “blood” only comes from the beyond.

A spirit who refills my spirit on a daily basis.

I know you look down with heavy disappointment,

I mean… let’s face it.

You mastered the energy to communicate 

while the living can’t even master 

human decency. 

Maybe that’s on me.

Thinking family means family.

That you show up, 

no matter the conflict.

That you show up,

no matter the distance.

That you show up,

period. 

–

I have another spirit looking down on me

who I believe would disapprove.

She’s finally succeeding in life,

why aren’t you all the first to stand in line?

Clap your hands,

a round of applause,

for the girl we all thought was a lost cause.

She’s found joy,

she’s found security,

she’s found love;

and she’s had babies.

What a joyous celebration,

and yet you all are lacking dedication.

If she was here, 

I know this wouldn’t be allowed.

If she was here,

I know she’d be speaking out loud.

–

It’s alright.

It’s okay.

Those that truly matter 

will show up for my special day.

–

Hello to the living,

and hello to the beyond.

My love extends to you

if you choose to cheer me on.

Vial

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Heard the shutter click.

It’s a photo of when you touched my skin,

as if you were strumming Mozart on a violin.

The most delicate.

The most purposeful.

The most musical.

I’m trapped in that moment.

I’m trapped in that feeling.

I’ll never forget it;

It’ll always hold meaning.

This is when I felt most confident.

I was in my sexual prime,

yeah, nothing ever felt wrong.

–

It’d be thirty minutes

of nothing but your fingertips

sliding up and down my arms.

Never cared about the mental harm,

or the ringing of my heart’s alarm.

I just felt the attention.

You put me first even though I was just an honorable mention.

Once my power grew more stable,

I played with domination.

The first of its kind;

didn’t even think I was able.

You helped me grow, and bend, my spine.

You taught me how to flip the script.

To show up at your place and leave when I’m finished.

I knew what I wanted,

and I knew how to get it.

–

You were my dealer 

of an invisible drug.

Chemistry is what gets you high, 

and it’s also the most expensive.

Cruelty within the fantasies;

start confusing prayers with wishes.

–

I remember you feeling threatened 

when men approached me on the ice rink.

It burned through your eyes while you were skating around.

You were jealous of the way they were drawn to me.

Even though you had nothing to fear.

I was lost in your orbit, 

and I made that incredibly clear.

–

I became strung on while you repeatedly lied,

hell,

you even got another woman on the side.

And yet somehow,

I turned that into a better ride.

I couldn’t stop the pull.

Call it fatal attraction. 

I was hurt for a second, 

but then I chose to let it happen.

–

I’m glad I walked away,

don’t get me wrong.

I knew there was no future,

but you taught me a valuable lesson.

My needs were just as vital.

I keep that memory of me in a vial.

I pull it out and inject, every once in a while.

Got a Match?

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There sat our gas lantern,

right in the middle of our table.

As we’re cloaked in the darkness,

you told me to turn it on.

I was fearful of my surroundings,

and my thoughts just weren’t working right.

I searched high and low 

for tools to help me,

as you stood there and watched.

–

Must’ve been over an hour

of driving myself insane.

I couldn’t provide us light,

and like a silent bullet 

came the guilt and shame.

As I said sorry,

you began to smile.

You reached down in your pocket

and then hesitated for a while.

–

I watched as you pulled out the matches,

like you were some sort of God.

You struck that match

and I burned right into the ground.

Maybe we were lucky,

fortunate for what you’d found?

Ironically, I didn’t even need that light,

because I was already six feet down.

–

You loved it,

you loved the high.

Thinking you were better,

while I was thinking why.

How dare you play with my mind

like it was a general store toy.

You showed your true colors.

Not a man, but a boy.

–

Enjoy your false sense of validations,

your twisted words and justifications.

I’ll come out stronger while you remain weak.

You may have been everything I wanted,

but you’re nothing that I need.

Holy

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_

Out of volleyball games

and you’re breathing heavy.

Our age isn’t like it used to be,

where we could run and do everything.

You’re sweaty and a mess,

and I haven’t got the kids to bed.

I’ve been working so hard and getting home so late.

I’m tired and I’m sore.

But that’s the last thing on my mind.

I want to be your…

_

Calves looking so tight.

Visible strength in those legs.

I holler at you 

during every baseball game.

When you’re helping teach our son

how to run the bases.

I’m just in awe

and want to touch faces.

Swing that bat my way,

I’m ready for a home run today.

_

I’m forever addicted to you.

Got no shame in my game,

I’ve only got eyes for you.

You bring me to my knees.

I can barely breathe.

This is inappropriate,

but we’re married,

so it’s holy, 

right?

Take me to the kitchen

and bend me over the counter tonight.

_

You could say I’m obsessed…

With the way he smells and his casual dress.

It’s not a fancy cologne,

baby it’s free,

that’s just his pheromones.

And I don’t care,

what they say about us.

You’re always on my mind 

and I can’t get

enough.

_

I’m forever addicted to you.

Got no shame in my game,

I’ve only got eyes for you.

You bring me to my knees.

I can barely breathe.

This is inappropriate,

but we’re married,

so 

it’s holy, 

right?

Take me to the kitchen

and bend me over the counter tonight.

_

I’ve seen you in a conference room.

Leading your team like the way I want to lead you.

You work tirelessly,

you put all that energy,

into your growing company,

and baby that’s alright.

I’ll take care of you tonight.

_

I’m forever addicted to you.

Got no shame in my game,

I’ve only got eyes for you.

You bring me to my knees.

I can barely breathe.

This is inappropriate,

but we’re married,

so 

it’s holy, 

right?

Take me to the kitchen

and bend me over the counter tonight.

Hero

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It’s something I always knew.

It’s something we all knew.

We didn’t want to address it.

We didn’t want to face it.

I didn’t want to face it.

The glances I’ll clock.

The sheep of stigma that’ll flock.

The throwing of their rocks.

The quirks they’ll mock.

The rabbit holes of horror…

they’ll simply never stop.

It was me.

It was me!

This whole time, it was me.

I’m no victim.

I’m the killer.

I’m never the substance,

only filler.

The narrative in my head

far surpasses the 

reality of the life I’ve led.

What a concept.

What a threat.

This expectation that I’m vile,

you’re telling me I’ve never met?

What’s more ill?

A diagnosis or

the suppression of my character?

I tell myself what others tell me.

Turns out, it’s only silence,

and those negativities?

Baby, that’s all me.

I’m fundamentally kind.

I’m a rare comedic find.

I’m empathetic and I’m loyal.

My compassion never foils.

I succeed, and I thrive.

I’m consistently praised and recognized.

I’ve been locked in darkness,

yet shine so bright.

My heart was chronically harnessed,

yet it unleashed to Mr. Right.

I’m capable and worthy of love.

An ideology I’d simply never heard of.

This guilt and shame?

For what?

Living in my own brain?

It’s out of my control

and I finally surrender.

I’m no lost cause,

and my life will be filled with splendor.

I may be the villain in someone’s story.

They may judge and fuel their own glory.

No punishment was greater served 

than the one I imposed on myself.

You’re welcome,

but now I’ve found help.

I deserve better and I am better.

I’m no hero to you.

That’s okay.

I’m a hero to myself,

in each and every way.

A Million Bees

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*To be interpreted as a song.

It happened all so quickly.

Chest to chest,

and our eyes on fire.

We lock in and

stare awhile.

My instinct is to breathe

inside you,

and set us ablaze.

Hand in hand,

I’m lost now.

I’ve forgotten how 

to exist.

The passion has swarmed 

me like a million bees,

and with each sting,

I’m set free.

We’re burning and we’re free.

How blissful of a state to be.

We’re burning and we’re free.

How blissful of a state to be.

It slowed down so quickly.

Time stood still,

and our grip grew tighter.

We lock in and

kiss awhile.

My instinct is to be

inside you,

and set us ablaze.

Lips to lips,

I’m lost now.

I’ve forgotten how 

to exist.

The passion has swarmed 

me like a million bees,

and with each sting,

I’m set free.

We’re buzzing and we’re free.

How blissful of a state to be.

We’re buzzing and we’re free.

How blissful of a state to be.

Heart to heart,

I’m lost now.

I’ve forgotten how 

to exist.

The passion has swarmed 

me like a million bees,

and with each sting,

I’m set free.

We’re burning and we’re free.

How blissful of a state to be.

We’re buzzing and we’re free.

How blissful of a state to be.

Take Me With the Tide

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I can feel the weight

crashing down on me.

It’s coming in fast and heavy,

like a storm amongst the sea.

I don’t think my boat will hold…

It’s already got some holes.

HELP.

I’m screaming out loud.

HELP.

I’m seeing water now.

HELP.

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there?

Is anything out there?

help.

I can feel the icy blue

creeping on my toes,

like it already knows,

I’m going with the undertow.

I can hear the sound of silence

even over the crushing of the wood.

I can see a long lost part of me

that I know no one else even could.

It’s an abyss.

It’s pulling.

It’s mighty and I’m fearful,

and all I can think to do

is fall to my knees,

join my hands and 

scream

PLEASE.

HELP.

I’m praying out loud.

HELP.

I’m seeing water now.

HELP.

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there?

Is anything out there?

help.

I’m clinging on to a sense of false hope.

Gripping a piece of drift wood 

with every ounce of strength I’ve got.

Thinking this will save me;

it will surely carry me to shore.

Never mind the stormy darkness.

Never mind the sharks around my feet.

I’m bleeding out, 

and they’re wanting me.

I don’t see any land in sight,

Maybe I just let them feed.

HELP.

I’m screaming out loud.

HELP.

I’m seeing water now.

HELP.

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there?

Is anything out there?

help.

Maybe now’s the time to daydream

about the sunshine I took for granted.

All the sand beneath my toes,

all the grit; all that substance.

The smell of salty air,

and the warmth that hugged me close.

I was never alone. 

At least, I couldn’t feel it.

Here I am. 

Feeling everything I’ve suppressed.

Even with the stars as a shining guide above,

I’m sinking in my loneliness.

HELP.

I’m letting go.

HELP.

Show me a sign.

Remind me of my why.

HELP.

I’m begging now.

Salt.

I can taste it.

It’s bringing me back.

I close my eyes.

I pray.

Lord, take me all the way.

Instead of under, He held me up.

I no longer hear the thunder,

the storm is wrapping up.

He was there.

When no souls were present,

His was effervescent.

I trust a shore is near.

I trust the waves will clear.