Tag Archives: mental health

The Cliffs

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Dangling my feet

over a sea of navy.

Gripping onto sanity

like the hands that grip this earth.

I’m on a patch of green,

a color to be calming,

and yet these daydreams

are nightmares in hiding.

I’m trying.

I’m trying to separate 

the grief and despair

from the gratitude

of the salty air.

Does this shatter the image

that I’m clinging to?

Where it’s all figured out

and I’m reaping the rewards.

Every wave that crashes

against the rocks below

is just an audible reminder

that I am breaking also.

–

So here I sit,

in a place I deemed my peace.

Whispering my surrender

to the life I did not seek.

If I seem vacant,

know my mind is at the cliffs.

I’m rearranging thoughts

and displacing any rifts.

I’ll save you a spot,

if you’re not afraid of heights.

It’s a long drop to the bottom,

but here, 

it’s all alright.

Bad Kid

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Everyone loves to throw shade.

I take the brunt of it,

so go ahead, 

throw it my way.

I can’t take it.

You read that right.

I said that I can’t.

I shatter like glass,

but who wouldn’t?

When you choose to be an ass.

–

I’m not bending down on one knee,

repeatedly saying sorry,

like the problem only lies with me.

Hate to pop your ego,

but you’ve got issues also.

At a time when I’m at my lowest,

new medical diagnosis after diagnosis…

I’m already dying.

Thanks for trying?

–

Every comment you make,

every single low blow,

you’re just coffin hunting baby;

time to put on a show.

–

I grew up always being the one in the wrong.

Suppress, suppress!

Your emotions are like the most lackluster song.

No one wants to pay for a record that doesn’t make them dance.

Wake up, wake up!

You humans are in a trance.

There are depths to our feelings,

and I beg you to explore.

Perhaps then, you’d understand more.

I don’t need your empathy or sympathy.

I hate the tone of your voice; just doesn’t sit well with me.

–

I’m looking for the real ones.

The ones who truly get it.

What it’s like to be the “bad kid”

even when you were considered “perfect.”

I did well in school.

Partly due to intelligence,

but mostly for the recognition.

Didn’t get that much, unless I was in class.

I could study for an hour,

and I’d still ace that test.

It was a challenge to me,

and I got a high from getting an A.

A mini celebration,

the only one sent my way.

–

That’s why I love pieces of paper.

We had an intimate connection,

one that never wavered.

–

I’m an acquired taste,

I’ll admit it.

But I’ve been through some shit,

and I’m a badass for it.

You can judge,

while you live your life of lies.

I’ll continue to speak my truth.

Only the damaged will survive.

Got a Match?

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There sat our gas lantern,

right in the middle of our table.

As we’re cloaked in the darkness,

you told me to turn it on.

I was fearful of my surroundings,

and my thoughts just weren’t working right.

I searched high and low 

for tools to help me,

as you stood there and watched.

–

Must’ve been over an hour

of driving myself insane.

I couldn’t provide us light,

and like a silent bullet 

came the guilt and shame.

As I said sorry,

you began to smile.

You reached down in your pocket

and then hesitated for a while.

–

I watched as you pulled out the matches,

like you were some sort of God.

You struck that match

and I burned right into the ground.

Maybe we were lucky,

fortunate for what you’d found?

Ironically, I didn’t even need that light,

because I was already six feet down.

–

You loved it,

you loved the high.

Thinking you were better,

while I was thinking why.

How dare you play with my mind

like it was a general store toy.

You showed your true colors.

Not a man, but a boy.

–

Enjoy your false sense of validations,

your twisted words and justifications.

I’ll come out stronger while you remain weak.

You may have been everything I wanted,

but you’re nothing that I need.

Hero

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It’s something I always knew.

It’s something we all knew.

We didn’t want to address it.

We didn’t want to face it.

I didn’t want to face it.

The glances I’ll clock.

The sheep of stigma that’ll flock.

The throwing of their rocks.

The quirks they’ll mock.

The rabbit holes of horror…

they’ll simply never stop.

It was me.

It was me!

This whole time, it was me.

I’m no victim.

I’m the killer.

I’m never the substance,

only filler.

The narrative in my head

far surpasses the 

reality of the life I’ve led.

What a concept.

What a threat.

This expectation that I’m vile,

you’re telling me I’ve never met?

What’s more ill?

A diagnosis or

the suppression of my character?

I tell myself what others tell me.

Turns out, it’s only silence,

and those negativities?

Baby, that’s all me.

I’m fundamentally kind.

I’m a rare comedic find.

I’m empathetic and I’m loyal.

My compassion never foils.

I succeed, and I thrive.

I’m consistently praised and recognized.

I’ve been locked in darkness,

yet shine so bright.

My heart was chronically harnessed,

yet it unleashed to Mr. Right.

I’m capable and worthy of love.

An ideology I’d simply never heard of.

This guilt and shame?

For what?

Living in my own brain?

It’s out of my control

and I finally surrender.

I’m no lost cause,

and my life will be filled with splendor.

I may be the villain in someone’s story.

They may judge and fuel their own glory.

No punishment was greater served 

than the one I imposed on myself.

You’re welcome,

but now I’ve found help.

I deserve better and I am better.

I’m no hero to you.

That’s okay.

I’m a hero to myself,

in each and every way.

Take Me With the Tide

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I can feel the weight

crashing down on me.

It’s coming in fast and heavy,

like a storm amongst the sea.

I don’t think my boat will hold…

It’s already got some holes.

HELP.

I’m screaming out loud.

HELP.

I’m seeing water now.

HELP.

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there?

Is anything out there?

help.

I can feel the icy blue

creeping on my toes,

like it already knows,

I’m going with the undertow.

I can hear the sound of silence

even over the crushing of the wood.

I can see a long lost part of me

that I know no one else even could.

It’s an abyss.

It’s pulling.

It’s mighty and I’m fearful,

and all I can think to do

is fall to my knees,

join my hands and 

scream

PLEASE.

HELP.

I’m praying out loud.

HELP.

I’m seeing water now.

HELP.

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there?

Is anything out there?

help.

I’m clinging on to a sense of false hope.

Gripping a piece of drift wood 

with every ounce of strength I’ve got.

Thinking this will save me;

it will surely carry me to shore.

Never mind the stormy darkness.

Never mind the sharks around my feet.

I’m bleeding out, 

and they’re wanting me.

I don’t see any land in sight,

Maybe I just let them feed.

HELP.

I’m screaming out loud.

HELP.

I’m seeing water now.

HELP.

Is anyone out there?

Is anyone out there?

Is anything out there?

help.

Maybe now’s the time to daydream

about the sunshine I took for granted.

All the sand beneath my toes,

all the grit; all that substance.

The smell of salty air,

and the warmth that hugged me close.

I was never alone. 

At least, I couldn’t feel it.

Here I am. 

Feeling everything I’ve suppressed.

Even with the stars as a shining guide above,

I’m sinking in my loneliness.

HELP.

I’m letting go.

HELP.

Show me a sign.

Remind me of my why.

HELP.

I’m begging now.

Salt.

I can taste it.

It’s bringing me back.

I close my eyes.

I pray.

Lord, take me all the way.

Instead of under, He held me up.

I no longer hear the thunder,

the storm is wrapping up.

He was there.

When no souls were present,

His was effervescent.

I trust a shore is near.

I trust the waves will clear.

The Waiting Room

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I had a dream the other day.

We were in a doctor’s office.

Perhaps it was a metaphor of a true check-up.

A storm was coming,

and the predictions were egregious. 

We chatted about our preparations,

and held small talk about how we were doing.

You haven’t crossed my mind in years.

Unless I’m drudging up mistakes of the past, or the love I’ve lost,

I simply don’t give you access to my mind.

You’ve already done enough damage,

and my rental has been finishing repairs.

I love the reconstruction, honestly.

I’m finally being booked at a higher price, 

the one I should’ve charged for you.

My love met me at the office and you shook his hand.

You watched us leave and I looked back.

I smiled, and could feel my hand grip his a little tighter.

The healing, the growth, the success, the unconditional love, and the value…

I have that. I did that.

Everything you once told me that I couldn’t be or couldn’t have…

here I am, and I have it all.

You’ve crept in the background, 

and don’t feel surprised,

because I saw you.

This dream granted you full visibility.

For once, we shared true transparency.

It was invigorating.

It was powerful.

After all this time, I’ve still held a small amount of pain and anger.

Not necessarily because I’m thinking of you; don’t let your ego get inflated, 

but rather the situations that involved you.

The trauma showed itself in the unexpected. 

Cruel, bent, rusty nails that just wouldn’t budge.

I finally got to tell you how I worked hard to be where I’m at today.

Incredibly hard.

I deserve this life, this love, and this healing.

I deserve to walk away with this smile.

I earned it.

I hope you’re in a similar place, truly.

I think that was the point of the dream.

I’m finally strong enough to wish you well.

54321

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I feel a detachment.

One so sharply edged, that I’m bleeding.

I feel a panic.

One so numbing, that I’m floating.

I feel a fear.

One so horrific, that I’m hiding.

I feel a confusion.

One so obliterating, that I’ve entered a delusion.

I feel an emptiness.

One so hollow, that any remaining feeling is simply the negative reverberations of my thoughts.  

–

I see a void.

Yet, it’s all consuming.

I see colors.

Yet, they all fade to a grey scale.

I see flames.

Yet, it only lingers as ash.

I see a pillow.

Yet, it provides no comfort for my head…

only anguish.

–

I hear my own echo.

It’s haunting, and there’s a crew of spirits.

I hear a slow drip.

It’s an attempt at keeping the faucets of my ego from freezing.

I hear white noise.

It’s the only way I can stay sane.

–

I smell an overpoweringly nauseating aroma.

The one that makes you ill.

The one you can’t escape.

The one that can’t be cured.

Even time has to wait.

Once you’ve inhaled the suffering, you cannot forget it.

I smell morbidity.

The one that seizes your brain.

The one that turns joy to mold.

The one that crumbles to a shady blue in your hands.

Even wine won’t pair well.

Once you’ve inhaled the doubt, it becomes your captor.

 –

I taste a bitterness,

but the longing for peace remains sweet.

The Gardener

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Many years ago,

I had a garden.

It was exquisite,

it was nurtured;

and it was vast.

I became a masterful gardener.

From the placement of the seed

to the trimming of their leaves,

I studied and learned how to properly tend.

Sunflowers, tulips, and orchids

lined a winding path.

To one’s surprise, 

they’d even find cacti, dahlias,

and roses,

all blended and alive.

I felt a sense of pride as I watched them grow, blossom, and even begin to die.

I knew they’d soon return,

the cycle would continue,

and there was simply not an end.

However, one day,

perhaps within minutes,

they all seemed to fall ill.

I did my best to help them,

to restore and see them rise once again.

That day never came.

All this time and beauty, wasted.

My vision went from a bright and beautiful color of hope

to a blackened blur of betrayal.

How? Why?

I left the garden, but still viewed it from my window.

The sun rose and fell, over and over again.

The moon provided an eerie silver glow upon the fields.

It appeared as a false shimmering gleam of hope,

of desire; of desperation.

I began to dread the night.

The ending of my day;

the battering reminder of what was

and what will never be.

I left my perch upon the window and drifted to the solace of another room.

One without a view.

I pondered what had happened,

many times.

A pest? A lack or oversupply of water?

Were my hands too tired?

Was my mind too empty?

Or had my heart shrunk a size too small?

I gave, and gave, and gave some more.

I did what I could.

I did my best.

I, I… I.

It was then I could pose the question…

Who tended to me?

It was I who stopped growing.

It was I who had been dying.

It was I who lost my way.

I thought I’d lost my garden,

but I had lost myself.

Slowly, I creep back to my window.

I give another look, or two.

I ask myself if I’m ready.

If I can bare the pain of growth and loss

yet again.

One day, when I feel whole,

I’ll plant a few seeds again.

One day, when the trust of reciprocation 

feels present,

I’ll tend to my garden.

More importantly, I’ll tend to the gardener. 

When

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when your heart is hurting,

do you scream in pain,

or do you cry in a whisper?

when your mind is racing,

do you grieve the sane,

or are sheltered in the twister?

when the burden is strong,

do you seek weakness,

or do you shine in resilience?

when the tears have fallen,

do you show meekness,

or pour them into your brilliance?

when the days feel darker,

do you look for light,

or find safety in the shadows?

when the nights feel longer,

do you gain new sight,

or are the demons now exposed? 

when balance starts to shift,

have you misplaced weight,

or was that with full intention?

when the truth is shown,

can you now accept,

or do you prefer omission?

when has become the choice.

when is where, what, and why.

when is the guttural voice,

and when will stay until you die.

Contained

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I live in the loneliest world.

Not a soul in my corner;

I can vent to no one.

The pressure is building.

When I try to have some of the air escape,

I’m faced with ridicule, criticism, and dismay.

I’m always there for others.

I always offer an ear.

But for me?

It’s the worst, I fear.

I feel minimized and neglected.

Oh no!

The wrong emotion was selected.

I am not to show concern.

I am not to disagree.

Heaven forbid!

I must bend the knee!

I’m over it;

I am done.

When those ask why I’m silent,

maybe they should look at who’s holding the gun.

I give you permission to be dismissive.

Matter of fact, I’ll be entirely submissive.

Offer no opinions,

just reassurance that you’re right!

My hands are tied behind my back.

I’ll no longer throw a fight.

I’ll live to appease;

I’ll close my eyes and no longer see

the damage being done right before me.

A puppet in your show,

I offer you control.

Say goodbye to me.