Tag Archives: love

Lust or Love?

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Lust or love? I think to myself.

A repetitive cycle that I’m trying to break. 

Never have I seen two things,

consistently mistaken for one another.

I’ve been told I’m loved, just to fuck.

I’ve been told I’m wanted, just to be turned away.

It’s not my heart that’s the object of your affection.

It’s my body.

Lust or love? I’m asking you this.

You can be honest with me, I will not shy away.

I think I deserve to know,

but I’m afraid you will tell me another lie.

I’ve been told I’m hot, just to fuck.

I’ve been told I’m needed, just to be turned away.

Either way you manipulate the words, it’s saddening.

Now, I’m broken.

Lust or love? Still, one in the same.

Your words have become as meaningless as my self worth.

A pity; not surprising.

You took my body, and still left my heart behind.

I’ve been told I’m more than enough.

I’ve been told I’m damaged, not worthy of pursuit. 

The line has now been blurred, between these two different words.

Because of you.

Zirconia

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This poem completes a challenge I started, nearly four years ago: title each blog entry with every letter of the alphabet, in sequential order (minus my first blog post, Greetings, which remains the only blog with that letter.) The majority of my work was written in the past year. For the first few years of this blog, I lost myself and my passion for writing. Once I left the relationship I was in, my creativity and desire to write came rushing back to me, like a bicycle tucked away in my garage. Although this poem isn’t about that relationship in particular, the premise is somewhat the same. I am grateful for every person who has taught me a lesson over the years. I never knew why my heartache was deserved, or what it was good for, until I started writing my book, 628: A Memoir. Thank you to my readers, whose comments have motivated me to continue. Now, I am ready to take on a new challenge.

Enjoy twenty-six rhyming lines in celebration of the twenty-sixth letter.

Cheers,

Lo.

He had just left me; broke my heart amongst other things.
Vulnerable and a fool, I thought I’d lost my king.
Then came a knight, armed for battle; his sword took a swing.
He vowed to protect me, and placed my heart in a sling.
I was instantly enamored, to him, I would cling.
A passionate love affair; unaware it’s a fling.
I saw forever with him; now I had the real thing.
In we rode, on our horse of mania, growing wings.
I wanted his commitment, in the shape of a ring.
He shared in my delusions, adrenaline rising.
Then, soon after, he asked my dad and we were thriving.
Well, after some time, our illusion started dying.
I realized I didn’t belong, but I was trying.
My knight turned into a commoner, and was lying.
I locked myself in my castle, and dreamt of flying.
Self medicated sorrow had my mind unwinding.
Doubt, regret, and paranoia altered my timing.
Where did my knight go? Was he lost? Could he find me?
My words meant nothing; I may as well have been miming.
His love would later turn to lust, and it felt grimy.
I felt embarrassed, yet compelled to leave. God, why me?
His actions were inexcusable, and set me free.
Like Rapunzel, I craved a new opportunity.
I know I did wrong too, but we burned in unity.
Something once beautiful, tarnished for you, and for me.
My finger should have bore cubic zirconia bling.

R

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I hope you accept my apology.

It’s a little late, but fuck the chronology.

To you, I was a me that I didn’t know.

Young and dumb, I guess, just goes to show…

I ruined a good man and a good thing.

But, God had other plans and we just weren’t meant to be. 

He took the heat, when I was to blame.

There he was, burning, and I, the flame.

Fling? What’s that? We lasted nearly four years.

I just didn’t know what love was; my heart had never shed a tear.

I needed to learn, I needed that heart break.

I needed to look back, needed to see my mistakes.

You deserved better than me, and always have.

Now you have a new love, and for you, I’m glad.

With her, down to the name, you have a second chance.

I pray your heart is healed and full; that her love can’t

ever run out.

I have never done a wrong,

like the wrong I did to you.

I hope you accept my gratitude.

So much to say; I can’t wrap it up in a thank you.

Four years, as a kid, I grew up with you.

Gave me all of you, and I gave you nine million attitudes.

Did I even say thank you?

Back then?

That’s when

you needed it the most.

Did I give that to you?

Damn, I hope.

To clarify, I don’t miss you and I don’t miss us.

I miss all the missed opportunities I had to tell you that I suck.

So, once again, allow me to apologize.

Half of that shit was my fault, I won’t lie.

By half, I mean most. And by most, I mean all.

Thank you for breaking me, gifting me that fall.

Without you, I’d still give a selfish love.

Without you, I’d be blind to the gifts from up above.

I needed to hurt you and be hurt by you.

I needed those lessons that could only be taught by you.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Please, accept my apology.