Tag Archives: heartache

The Waiting Room

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I had a dream the other day.

We were in a doctor’s office.

Perhaps it was a metaphor of a true check-up.

A storm was coming,

and the predictions were egregious. 

We chatted about our preparations,

and held small talk about how we were doing.

You haven’t crossed my mind in years.

Unless I’m drudging up mistakes of the past, or the love I’ve lost,

I simply don’t give you access to my mind.

You’ve already done enough damage,

and my rental has been finishing repairs.

I love the reconstruction, honestly.

I’m finally being booked at a higher price, 

the one I should’ve charged for you.

My love met me at the office and you shook his hand.

You watched us leave and I looked back.

I smiled, and could feel my hand grip his a little tighter.

The healing, the growth, the success, the unconditional love, and the value…

I have that. I did that.

Everything you once told me that I couldn’t be or couldn’t have…

here I am, and I have it all.

You’ve crept in the background, 

and don’t feel surprised,

because I saw you.

This dream granted you full visibility.

For once, we shared true transparency.

It was invigorating.

It was powerful.

After all this time, I’ve still held a small amount of pain and anger.

Not necessarily because I’m thinking of you; don’t let your ego get inflated, 

but rather the situations that involved you.

The trauma showed itself in the unexpected. 

Cruel, bent, rusty nails that just wouldn’t budge.

I finally got to tell you how I worked hard to be where I’m at today.

Incredibly hard.

I deserve this life, this love, and this healing.

I deserve to walk away with this smile.

I earned it.

I hope you’re in a similar place, truly.

I think that was the point of the dream.

I’m finally strong enough to wish you well.

54321

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I feel a detachment.

One so sharply edged, that I’m bleeding.

I feel a panic.

One so numbing, that I’m floating.

I feel a fear.

One so horrific, that I’m hiding.

I feel a confusion.

One so obliterating, that I’ve entered a delusion.

I feel an emptiness.

One so hollow, that any remaining feeling is simply the negative reverberations of my thoughts.  

–

I see a void.

Yet, it’s all consuming.

I see colors.

Yet, they all fade to a grey scale.

I see flames.

Yet, it only lingers as ash.

I see a pillow.

Yet, it provides no comfort for my head…

only anguish.

–

I hear my own echo.

It’s haunting, and there’s a crew of spirits.

I hear a slow drip.

It’s an attempt at keeping the faucets of my ego from freezing.

I hear white noise.

It’s the only way I can stay sane.

–

I smell an overpoweringly nauseating aroma.

The one that makes you ill.

The one you can’t escape.

The one that can’t be cured.

Even time has to wait.

Once you’ve inhaled the suffering, you cannot forget it.

I smell morbidity.

The one that seizes your brain.

The one that turns joy to mold.

The one that crumbles to a shady blue in your hands.

Even wine won’t pair well.

Once you’ve inhaled the doubt, it becomes your captor.

 –

I taste a bitterness,

but the longing for peace remains sweet.

Zirconia

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This poem completes a challenge I started, nearly four years ago: title each blog entry with every letter of the alphabet, in sequential order (minus my first blog post, Greetings, which remains the only blog with that letter.) The majority of my work was written in the past year. For the first few years of this blog, I lost myself and my passion for writing. Once I left the relationship I was in, my creativity and desire to write came rushing back to me, like a bicycle tucked away in my garage. Although this poem isn’t about that relationship in particular, the premise is somewhat the same. I am grateful for every person who has taught me a lesson over the years. I never knew why my heartache was deserved, or what it was good for, until I started writing my book, 628: A Memoir. Thank you to my readers, whose comments have motivated me to continue. Now, I am ready to take on a new challenge.

Enjoy twenty-six rhyming lines in celebration of the twenty-sixth letter.

Cheers,

Lo.

He had just left me; broke my heart amongst other things.
Vulnerable and a fool, I thought I’d lost my king.
Then came a knight, armed for battle; his sword took a swing.
He vowed to protect me, and placed my heart in a sling.
I was instantly enamored, to him, I would cling.
A passionate love affair; unaware it’s a fling.
I saw forever with him; now I had the real thing.
In we rode, on our horse of mania, growing wings.
I wanted his commitment, in the shape of a ring.
He shared in my delusions, adrenaline rising.
Then, soon after, he asked my dad and we were thriving.
Well, after some time, our illusion started dying.
I realized I didn’t belong, but I was trying.
My knight turned into a commoner, and was lying.
I locked myself in my castle, and dreamt of flying.
Self medicated sorrow had my mind unwinding.
Doubt, regret, and paranoia altered my timing.
Where did my knight go? Was he lost? Could he find me?
My words meant nothing; I may as well have been miming.
His love would later turn to lust, and it felt grimy.
I felt embarrassed, yet compelled to leave. God, why me?
His actions were inexcusable, and set me free.
Like Rapunzel, I craved a new opportunity.
I know I did wrong too, but we burned in unity.
Something once beautiful, tarnished for you, and for me.
My finger should have bore cubic zirconia bling.