Tag Archives: depression

Message in a Bottle

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Can I bottle up this stress?

Place it in a bottle and seal it tight?

Can I drop it into the depths of the ocean

and have it gone overnight?

Unload my burdens and my heartache,

and watch as we part ways?

If I had to write a message,

I’m not sure what it would say.

Probably reference a perfect storm,

one that wouldn’t drift away.

Although this seems ideal…

how would someone else feel?

When they open up this bottle

seeking treasure or hope,

only to find complaints, worries, and woe.

It’s the easy way out.

Staying on the shore while your pain sets sail…

off into the sunset; watching as they fade away

onto another person, onto another land, onto another sea.

As long as they’re gone, they won’t affect me.

Right?

Is it emotional immaturity, naivety, or insecurity that’s bringing me down?

Financial instability, lack of growth, or is it my loss of creativity

that’s hurting me the most?

Either way I spin it, I can’t seem to land

my feet on the ground.

No bottles, no life rafts, not a single soul around.

I can’t save myself and I can’t sink others.

I know that storm will linger.

I’ll stop running away and just take cover.

Vacancy

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I started writing this way back in January of this year. I finally finished it not too long ago, in June. Honestly, the delay is very fitting considering the theme of this poem. It’s been a struggle to declutter my head and the detrimental negativity that’s clouded my life. I’m here. It’s getting better. More rooms are opening up for bigger and brighter things, and the anticipation is extraordinary.

Cheers.

I’m in need of some vacancy.

My mind has been too full lately.

My trauma hasn’t paid a dime.

He’s committing theft, amongst other crimes.

My tenants have tunnel vision.

Endless sorrow, that’s their mission.

Depression occupies the big suite.

Anxiety rests on the balcony.

Paranoia guards the front doors,

with desperation as its floors.

Joy has been begging to come in.

The other tenants simply won’t let him.

They fear he’ll set the house on fire,

and he will leave no survivors.

What can I do to sneak him in?

I’d light the match and start over again.

I’d have love stay in the big suite;

creativity on the balcony.

Aspiration guards the front doors,

with motivation as its floors.

Joy fills the air in every room.

Finally, my soul will begin to bloom.

The fire that caused death,

bore life.

Yelling Yellow

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Gradually, I felt the heat exchange.

The one from his body to mine.

It happened while he wrapped his fingers around my neck.

Every inch of my skin was covered in standing hairs.

He was the catalyst for destruction. 

Physically, he could smother.

However, he couldn’t grasp my mind.

I knew I couldn’t speak to him.

So, I spoke to myself.

Yelled, rather.

For Yellow.

I couldn’t see him anymore.

He morphed into an unsettling mixture of grays. 

In his mind, he assumed I’d follow suit and dissolve into his scheme.

I wasn’t ready to fall, not yet anyway.

Questions and doubts began to cloud my thoughts.

Until, my saving grace arrived.

My Yellow.

“What took you so long?

He almost took over.”

Yellow held my hand and smiled.

“Remember that I am within you, always.

Your strength brought me here, and that same strength will save you. I’m merely a reminder.” 

As quickly as my Yellow had come, he disappeared. 

I yelled for Yellow one last time.

Thus began the mental game.

I was fading in and out of consciousness, and knew I had a minute left, at most.

It was only then that I truly understood what Yellow meant.

I yelled for myself.

My attacker released his hands.

He stepped back and looked me in the eyes,

almost as if he was giving me approval. 

I realized that without him, I’d have forgotten who I was.

I too, was a color, simply lost in categorization. 

Now, because of him, I’m defined.

My will to live has a name,

and it’s Yellow.

Valerie

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Naturally, I write the best tragedies.

Tend to put the Poe in poetically.

Ironically, smiles are the death of me.

Depression doesn’t hit selectively. 

Poems are where you’ll find my honesty.

I can write fairy tales, but it’s costly.

Can’t say sorry for my raw emotion.

It has its own waves, such a vast ocean.

Dive deep. Beauty can’t be seen by floating.

You’ll swim through layers of love and loathing.

Watch as creatures protect caves and tokens.

Explore an ecosystem unfolding.

When you come up for air, swim to the shore.

Take a break, breathe, you’ll find calmness and more.

As for me, the ocean’s my home and core.

Sadly, there’s no escape, no trap door.

It’s okay though, I use love as decor.

I’ll await your return, my friend, rapport. 

Jink

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It’s time.

Jink: a sudden quick change of direction.

Writing a song for this blog. I filmed myself on my laptop while writing this. It took 40 minutes. This is an anthem for me. I make “quick changes of direction” often. I am glad I do. Watching the video back, I am able to witness myself singing words straight from my heart. Words that I’m sharing with all of you. I’m happy I documented it. Here is my song, Jink.

Enjoy.

JINK

V1:

lying down on the bed,

another restless night

am i better off dead

how can i still fight

those battles I’m losing

the choices I’m choosing

will it settle my mind

will i sleep tonight

V2:

bottle of pills in hand

all the doubts are clouding

drift to a better land

my smiles are frowning

nauseous by the facade

time is low on the clock

have no time for pouting

time to make it stop

Chorus:

happy in the light, no one sees the dark

making all the appearances

joking over the seriousness

i can’t lie anymore

i can’t force open the door

asking for help is never my answer

always the advice

but it spreads like cancer

living in denial

living in fear

living in spite

of the loved ones i hold dear

i can’t help the feelings that i have

i can’t help that your help makes me mad

makes me mad

V3:

you don’t live through this

you just can’t understand

and now my pain is bliss

from drugs in my hand

should i go and swallow

my poor heart is hollow

is quitting really grand

tonight the pills drop

*Chorus*

V4:

i’ll pray another day

in the morning i’ll wake

there’s still fight left in me

it’s all up to me

one day i’ll become free

maybe it’s not the way

drugs shouldn’t be my escape

tonight i am safe

tonight, i am safe.

i am safe.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1-800-273-8255

Until next time,

Lo.