I haven’t written in a while.

I go to work as one person and manage to come home another. My deeply rooted personality shines for about nine to ten hours a day, and then it simply fades. I no longer have to smile for anyone, and I can shed a tear if I need to. Life hits, and when it does, it impales. No one would be able to tell how drained I am from day to day. Mentally speaking, exhaustion has never taken such a toll. Battling my own mind, as if the war was in my favor. It appears that it never is, nor ever will be. Sunshine appears in my window in the morning, and I find myself asking how or why.

Living with purpose. I tell myself that. May be ridiculous to some, but it has apparently done the trick. The present may be dark, but the future is bright. Just like that rising sun, it came after the night before. The night where I laid in bed questioning if I even mattered. Then, I wake, to knowing I survived…and there had to be a reason for it.

I belong to someone, something greater, and my doubts and anxieties serve as temporary reminders that I can push through.

Barely a single soul knew that these past few months, I contemplated having an unfortunate outcome. Here I was, trying to write out what I’ve been through and how I was struggling to overcome it all. Thinking it was a way of healing.

It was. As soon as I stopped writing, the negativity began its suffocation. This. This is a part of my purpose. Writing is my outlet, and I should have never taken a break. My book, Norman, is awaiting my fingertips to grace its empty pages. Not only does it deserve to be placed on a shelf and shared one day, but I deserve to allow my creativity to escape the gated chambers of my mind. Fighting is something I may never be able to stop doing, but at least I know there are ways to win.

A part of my journey, and this blog that I am so openly sharing with all of you, is about facing the brutal truths of life. I may face the day with my best foot forward and come home at night as if I took five steps backwards.

That is okay. It is okay. I will be okay.

Apparently, I just need to make my days a little longer. Just like those summer nights, I will optimize my sunshine as long as possible. Embracing the transition into darkness, until one day I appreciate the calming breeze that comes with it. I once wrote that my fire will continue to burn beneath the stars. It will. Fires are meant to last through dreadful nights, and so will I.

Until next time,

Lo.

“Today, we are going to draw a picture of how you feel.”

She handed me a piece of paper. Another blank and pointless piece, as if she expected a different outcome than our session last week.

Alone, uncomfortably sitting in the colors of white. If white is even a color at all.

I drew. Lightening, black lines; tears.

Obnoxiously filling this boxed in sheet with the “norm.”

Did you want to ask me today, listen, to how I feel?

I will answer that for you.

No.

I may have been another free session, but you did not have to make it as heartbreakingly clear.

I needed you at this time. I needed someone.

I was fourteen and lost in a cruel, secluded desert. Wrinkles on my lips were bleeding out for help. Dehydrated, and you held the water in arms reach.

I got in the car, and told my mother we were never going back.

I lost hope in therapists in that moment, and what a shame, because I was so young. However, I simply could not process. I had already been treated like a placeholder. Why did you hold the right to continue that warped thought?

Trauma invades your mind, your spirit. Any textbook can tell you that, but to those who have felt it… understand at a much deeper level, the power of those barricading spikes.

Years passed, and there it was. An elephant in the corner of every room, in the back of my mind. Unavoidable, uncomfortable, and clearly unspoken. I never put the animal in his cage, so mine decided to stick around and remind me. Because I backed down in fear, hid in innocence, that choice affected me in numerous ways for years to follow. I lost confidence in my refusal, and thus resulting in a zoo.

Social, beyond measure; turned reclusive.

Friends with anyone; turned to acquaintances.

I no longer would thirst for a developed relationship, with anyone, and I let relationships slide. I still do. When you have looked betrayal in the eyes, you never want to look at them again. It changes you. Inevitable, and most would say drastic. No longer the same, and I used to miss who I was prior to the destruction. Almost has been so long, that I may forget myself from time to time.

However, this coined phrase no longer resides in a negative light.

I am proud to stand here before all of you, with this animal beside me. No longer will he be hidden in the dark, but rather embraced.

Elephants are magnificent creatures. Wise, with impeccable memories. Loving, and they  sparkle with strength and grace. These beautiful creatures embody me. From experiencing failure and pain, I too have become wiser. Heartbroken, yet still am able to open my heart to love. Pressurized to such an extent, that I too sparkle. Carrying my head higher than ever before.

I would stand with a million elephants, rather than flood delusions with snakes.

Stay looking towards the light, and until next time,

Lo.

Sprouting, sprawling, seeking

Immersed

In the soil fertilized by others

Growing, gambling, gaining

Planted

In the uncertainty of life

Witness, wanderer, warrior

Secured

In the trials of time

Beautiful, bold, bewildering

Strong

In the essence of death

Acknowledged, appreciated, admired

Important

In the arms of innocence

Destroyed, deprived, discarded

Forgotten

In the eyes of construction

Limitless turns to limited

Our oldest secret keepers, turned to nothing but the ashes of greed.

Struck, silenced, and surrounded by the sirens of chaos.

Always thought I would never be able to find love, trust, or security again. Threw myself into the depths of this horrid and bottomless pit of doubt. Heartbreaks fell on repeat. Judgment was screaming my name, and as soon as it fell quiet, he would whisper a gentle reminder.

That overwhelming sense of self destruction, caused the question to arise, “Deserved?”

Was one of my best characteristics, my own downfall? Empathetic nature or a disguise for naiveness? I prefer to say the first, while others may stick to the latter. Maybe now is the time to clarify. I knew. All of the signs, all of the wronging, the deceit, and the evidence that was smashed into my face, I knew about it all. I chose. Believing in others who were as misguided as I perceived myself to be. Gripping onto this idea that they had compassion, that they were not the monsters they appeared to be. Feeling their pain, and resonating with my own. I chose to accept it and continue on. Naiveness is tied to the unknown, and lack of experience. Dear friends, I had experienced it all.

I knew what I should have done, yet I chose differently. All of it had a purpose, and although none worked in my favor, they all contributed to my growth.

To the man who made me understand what love, and true love at that, was; then proceeded to shatter every ounce of innocence towards love I had left… thank you. I am now appreciative of when it finds me and fully embrace the time I have with it.

To the man who swept me off my feet, into a delusion greater than most, and then began to show me your darkness as if I could not find the light to escape. I found that, and I thank you for shining down on the fact that love is blind. Although love may be beautiful, you gave me the strength to unmask it and walk away. A constant reminder to evaluate when necessary, and never be scared or shy to leave before it becomes too late.

To the man who loved me, unconditionally, but violated my trust. Thank you for showing me that even the ones I hold the closest, can be damaging, and to never underestimate.

To the man with an indescribable connection. Your love weighed heavier than most. Supporting you was the greatest and worst choice I ever made. I believe the connection was so powerful because you understood me. You put a lock on my best qualities, and only turned the key when it was beneficial to you. I chose to believe that you opened the gates because somewhere, down deep, you knew I deserved better. I chose to believe you had a conscience. You proved me wrong, and that one situation was more valuable to my growth than the entirety of the relationship. Thank you for strengthening my concept of loyalty, and throwing away your key.

To the man who manipulated my self worth and made me forget I was worth the effort. Thank you for enhancing my confidence, and showing me that there are men who would be happy to do the things you wouldn’t.

To the man who was brilliant enough to have me dig my own grave. You failed to see what you had, misused and abused it, and still continued to smile. You saw my eyes in true pain; a witness to the transition of colors when I cry. You tore me apart from within and took pride in it. It had been nearly eight years since I had ever been consumed by that brutal mental and physical confinement, and with my mind flashing back to the past, it became clouded. Thank you, for I had an explosion of emotions and told you, word for word, how you made me feel. That was the most empowering moment of my life. Others may attribute you to weakness, but the irony in all of this, is that you filled my strength to the brim.

Life with Lo, an ode to the transition into adulthood. Breaking barriers, learning lessons, and loving every minute of it.

I have come leaps and bounds in these past few years, and I have come to the realization that I did not do this all by myself. I was guided by those who chipped away at me.

Little did they know, I rearranged those pieces into the most exquisite masterpiece.

Until next time,

Lo.

They taunt me in the mirror.

Scars, cellulite, wrinkles, weight gain… all stared back at me as I lowered my head in disappointment.

I used to weigh ninety-eight pounds, for so long, that I became accustomed to that body. My ribs were protruding, and yet I somehow was able to disregard my health and found beauty. Doctors kept telling me to try and gain weight, and I did, or so I thought. Friends and family were shoving the words “awful” and “thin” down my throat. Eventually, I started gagging on my own sword. However, an eating disorder never crossed my mind. I was passionate about food, and still am. I could have sworn that I ate all the time. There was nothing intentional about my weight. I did not go out of my way to maintain that delusional appearance, but looking back, I never did anything to fix it, either. Social media post after social media post. Subconsciously begging for the attention that I was not providing myself.

I skimmed the details. I blurred the story.

Excuses leaked like drain water from my mouth.

Work was too physically and time consuming; someone loved me, and then there was the sheer forgetfulness of when I had actually eaten last.

I ate breakfast. Didn’t I?

All the lies I fed myself should have put on a few pounds themselves. “Be happy in the skin you’re in” they say. “You’re beautiful, no matter the size.” I regrettably listened too closely to them, and not to myself. I was by no means, happy. A part of me knew this, but I hid it so deeply that the concerns never seemed to reach the surface.

Honestly, I regret having someone show me a false sense of security and compassion at this point in my life. Holding me close while I pushed myself away. Love is blinding, and man, the lights could not have been any brighter. I kept walking the streets of Manhattan, and never once remembered to take a stroll in Central Park.

People ask me when the turning point for me was. I could not tell you, as I do not even know myself. Something sparked, something got the coals to ember. There I was, going to the Tides game by myself, the Adventure Park, and although it seems minuscule, taking trips to the grocery store. Independence, growth, and glimpses of pure happiness… I could feel a flame beginning to rise.

Choosing to disregard the opinions of others, their hurtful remarks, and unmasking their numerous faces, was ultimately life changing. I walked away. Not even walked, I ran. As I mentioned in my last post, a walk on this sacred ground has never felt more fulfilling.

I weigh one hundred and twenty-five pounds, as of my last visit. Surprisingly, that was and is still hard for me to embrace. Memories are embedded. I am still on this journey of transitioning negative feelings about my weight gain into positive. Started a gym membership, and I was going four to five days a week (took a little break recently). In hopes that maybe feeling like this gain is physically healthy, it will rub off on to a mental level as well. Telling myself that I am proud of the steps I have taken and continue to take, has been difficult. Here it is, here I am, reminding.

Progress is the prelude to accomplishment.

My fire will continue to burn beneath the stars.

Come, get warm.

Until next time,

Lo.

Today, the world is a frightful place.

I wish others would act on the concept of acknowledging one another and discard the theory that this includes acceptance.

We all are truly one in the same.

We breathe, we dream, we fight; we build and break.

How we decide to make the most out of our time, quite frankly, is irrelevant.

Peoples’ values and morals are not, by contrary belief, equally as insignificant.

Choosing to acknowledge someone for being a human being would be the simplest change and create the most extraordinary difference. Truly, genuinely, recognize that they are here, balancing on this unsteady beam, just as you are. Leave it at that. Loved ones, who accept the things they do or say; the ones who matter most to them, will hold that beam still enough. We all matter, but I think we should acknowledge the distinction between coexistence and connection. Others do not need, nor are entitled, to your acceptance of them. They are, nonetheless, owed human decency and a few minutes of your respect.

Do not change how you view things, religiously, politically, etc. All of these glorious aspects of your heart, soul, and mind, make you who you are. You are valuable, and contribute to the diversity in this world.

I have drained myself, on numerous occasions, fighting battles that were never intended to be won. My choices have had their fair share of discussion amongst friends, even strangers. That wore me down, because for some reason, I genuinely felt that I craved their approval. I hungered for their words, how they liked what I was doing, where I was headed, and overall, who I was. I lost sight in doing this for myself. I searched, and ultimately drowned in the disappointment. Oceans are vast, and it is so undeniably effortless to feel consumed by the sea of people chiming in on your decisions.

I was so eager to swim amongst the sharks, that I ceased to remember I could walk on land.

Here I am, doing better than I ever was.

People may hurt you along the way, but you know what, that’s okay. They didn’t approve of who you were, or what you were doing. That’ll drain them, just as much as it would deplete you trying to comprehend why.

Restore that energy, and take a walk to higher ground.

Until next time,

Lo.

*Takes deep breath*

I’ve thought repeatedly about what my first blog post should be about. I think before I dive into topics, I should really have you get to know me.

I am at the glorious age of twenty-four, serving scallops at a restaurant I call home, and reside in Virginia Beach, VA.

That’s just the nitty gritty for you.

My mother was diagnosed with Triple negative breast cancer nearly two years ago.

*Update: she is cancer free in both breasts now, and I thank God for that every day.*

Now, I’ll probably go into more detail about this and how it affected myself, and my family, but for now, I’ll just leave it at that.

Speaking of my employment, almost all of my jobs have been in the hospitality industry. I have passions, and then I have my personality. My personality is naturally geared towards this industry, and even though sometimes it may be a little draining, I think that’s one of my favorite things about myself. I enjoy serving others and making them feel…touched. Meaning, I want them to feel some sort of connection with me, something I believe we all need a little more of. Whether that be from a simple smile, or a genuine, “How are you?”

Seeing others have a glimpse of happiness, when they need it the most, warms my soul. I’ve hit numerous lows, and I’ve been drowned by self doubt. I know how indescribable it is when a stranger reaches out to you. The sensation of having someone you’ve never met, care about you, even for a minute. Kindness and purity, goes deeper than one could ever imagine.

There’s something to be explored there. A difference that people often blur.

I continuously sought after acceptance rather than acknowledgment.

Maybe I’ll discuss that in my next post.

Hopefully, in my future posts, I can share my travels with you all as well (and my upcoming adventures). I would travel the world, starting tomorrow, if I was financially able. There is simply so much to be seen; numerous paths that have yet to be crossed. Architecture, culture, and history ignite my imagination.

Minuscule flames can turn into massive wildfires.

I’ve always had a thirst for knowledge. You know, they say hydration is key.

When I was in middle school, I’d sit with my dad in church (prior to choir practice, as my dad just so happened to be the teacher) and copy the definitions from the back of my science books onto flashcards. I remember hammering facts after facts into my parents’ ears. Even though I couldn’t place another nail, they still found room for me. I’m grateful for that, for them; for listening and encouraging my mind to grow.

Not only did they endure copious amounts of information, but their eyes were equally as inflamed. I am a performer. Honestly, I think my brain strictly developed the right side (creativity) and merely forgot about finishing the left. Any type of performance gave me this sensation of true accomplishment. I memorized, practiced, and expanded on, what I would view them all as, mini masterpieces. Through out all of my schooling, I participated in the arts. No one who knows me would assume this, but I had and still have awful stage fright. I’d get incredibly anxious before hitting those bright lights, but somehow, simultaneously, I’d gain the courage to pursue and own it. Own every single bit of it, and enjoy it. Now, it wasn’t just theatre I was performing. This brings me back to my undeniable gratitude towards my parents. When I was fairly young, I started doing concerts for them. Some would be of songs I had written, or singing to Shania Twain, or… doing insane dances to Britney Spears. I’m a natural sales person too, apparently. I would cut out tickets to my concerts, and sell them for money to my family. Bless their hearts, as they had absolutely no other choice but to buy them.

I miss performing.

That’s another joy that has disappeared on me. Another excuse. Another regretful decision I had made, walking away.

It’s taken quite some time to find, or even so much as reminisce, these blissful parts of me. I have often wondered if I traded what I loved to fulfill the wholes of others instead. I guarantee I have given way too much of myself to other people, and forgot about myself in the process.  Balance, will it ever come?

On that note, I hope you’ve enjoyed this little tidbit on myself.

Need I remind you that I’ve only scratched the surface.

Until next time,

Lo.