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Lust or Love?

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Lust or love? I think to myself.

A repetitive cycle that I’m trying to break. 

Never have I seen two things,

consistently mistaken for one another.

I’ve been told I’m loved, just to fuck.

I’ve been told I’m wanted, just to be turned away.

It’s not my heart that’s the object of your affection.

It’s my body.

Lust or love? I’m asking you this.

You can be honest with me, I will not shy away.

I think I deserve to know,

but I’m afraid you will tell me another lie.

I’ve been told I’m hot, just to fuck.

I’ve been told I’m needed, just to be turned away.

Either way you manipulate the words, it’s saddening.

Now, I’m broken.

Lust or love? Still, one in the same.

Your words have become as meaningless as my self worth.

A pity; not surprising.

You took my body, and still left my heart behind.

I’ve been told I’m more than enough.

I’ve been told I’m damaged, not worthy of pursuit. 

The line has now been blurred, between these two different words.

Because of you.

Zirconia

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This poem completes a challenge I started, nearly four years ago: title each blog entry with every letter of the alphabet, in sequential order (minus my first blog post, Greetings, which remains the only blog with that letter.) The majority of my work was written in the past year. For the first few years of this blog, I lost myself and my passion for writing. Once I left the relationship I was in, my creativity and desire to write came rushing back to me, like a bicycle tucked away in my garage. Although this poem isn’t about that relationship in particular, the premise is somewhat the same. I am grateful for every person who has taught me a lesson over the years. I never knew why my heartache was deserved, or what it was good for, until I started writing my book, 628: A Memoir. Thank you to my readers, whose comments have motivated me to continue. Now, I am ready to take on a new challenge.

Enjoy twenty-six rhyming lines in celebration of the twenty-sixth letter.

Cheers,

Lo.

He had just left me; broke my heart amongst other things.
Vulnerable and a fool, I thought I’d lost my king.
Then came a knight, armed for battle; his sword took a swing.
He vowed to protect me, and placed my heart in a sling.
I was instantly enamored, to him, I would cling.
A passionate love affair; unaware it’s a fling.
I saw forever with him; now I had the real thing.
In we rode, on our horse of mania, growing wings.
I wanted his commitment, in the shape of a ring.
He shared in my delusions, adrenaline rising.
Then, soon after, he asked my dad and we were thriving.
Well, after some time, our illusion started dying.
I realized I didn’t belong, but I was trying.
My knight turned into a commoner, and was lying.
I locked myself in my castle, and dreamt of flying.
Self medicated sorrow had my mind unwinding.
Doubt, regret, and paranoia altered my timing.
Where did my knight go? Was he lost? Could he find me?
My words meant nothing; I may as well have been miming.
His love would later turn to lust, and it felt grimy.
I felt embarrassed, yet compelled to leave. God, why me?
His actions were inexcusable, and set me free.
Like Rapunzel, I craved a new opportunity.
I know I did wrong too, but we burned in unity.
Something once beautiful, tarnished for you, and for me.
My finger should have bore cubic zirconia bling.

Yelling Yellow

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Gradually, I felt the heat exchange.

The one from his body to mine.

It happened while he wrapped his fingers around my neck.

Every inch of my skin was covered in standing hairs.

He was the catalyst for destruction. 

Physically, he could smother.

However, he couldn’t grasp my mind.

I knew I couldn’t speak to him.

So, I spoke to myself.

Yelled, rather.

For Yellow.

I couldn’t see him anymore.

He morphed into an unsettling mixture of grays. 

In his mind, he assumed I’d follow suit and dissolve into his scheme.

I wasn’t ready to fall, not yet anyway.

Questions and doubts began to cloud my thoughts.

Until, my saving grace arrived.

My Yellow.

“What took you so long?

He almost took over.”

Yellow held my hand and smiled.

“Remember that I am within you, always.

Your strength brought me here, and that same strength will save you. I’m merely a reminder.” 

As quickly as my Yellow had come, he disappeared. 

I yelled for Yellow one last time.

Thus began the mental game.

I was fading in and out of consciousness, and knew I had a minute left, at most.

It was only then that I truly understood what Yellow meant.

I yelled for myself.

My attacker released his hands.

He stepped back and looked me in the eyes,

almost as if he was giving me approval. 

I realized that without him, I’d have forgotten who I was.

I too, was a color, simply lost in categorization. 

Now, because of him, I’m defined.

My will to live has a name,

and it’s Yellow.

Xerox

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I wrote down what happened.

Then, I set it to the side and forgot it.

Lately, I’ve been immersed in my past…

which led me back to this note.

I’d write it here, but the ink is smudged.

Every word… now blurred together.

I remember who it was about, but can’t seem to gather the details.

What’d you do to me?

I left to confront you; the note tucked away in my pocket.

I could see it on your face.

You knew why I was there.

As you raised your hand to greet me, I noticed the black on the side of your palm.

Why’d you do this to me?

There’s fear behind your smile.

Perhaps if not towards me, towards yourself.

You knew that you’d simply just delay me.

After some time, I’d no longer need this note to remember.

You should’ve burned it when you had the chance.

Instead, you chose to leave a clue…

one that led me back to you.

Was it to inflict pain on a wound I’d believed was closed? 

Maybe now I’ll receive the answers.

Only time shall tell your true intentions.

And when the truth escapes your mouth,

I’ll, once more, write it down.

Only this time, I’ll be sure to make a copy.

White Light

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Haven’t written a song for all of you in quite some time. Lately, I’ve been addicted to the spoken word style type of poetry.

Enjoy my latest *explicit* creation: White Light.

WHITE LIGHT 

V1: 

What a fucking massacre.

Watching blood drip off of her.

I know she’s in pain,

and I’m the one to blame.

V2: 

What a fucking massacre.

Her heart is torn in two.

I know there’s not much time,

until I watch her turn blue.

Chorus: 

What a fucking disaster.

This wasn’t supposed to happen.

Is sorry even enough?

I know her battle was tough.

But, I stayed silent,

‘cause I liked it.

Now, there’s no turning back.

I killed for the last laugh.

Bridge: 

Do I sound cruel to you?

She cut me too.

Mutual destruction;

we put on quite the production.

Two people who just wanted out…

But, I grew impatient,

and look what’s happened now. 

*Chorus* 

V3: 

What a fucking massacre.

A big bloody mess.

Hear both sides, then tell me

if it was an accident.

*Chorus*

National Domestic Violence Hotline: 

1-800-799-7233 

Valerie

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Naturally, I write the best tragedies.

Tend to put the Poe in poetically.

Ironically, smiles are the death of me.

Depression doesn’t hit selectively. 

Poems are where you’ll find my honesty.

I can write fairy tales, but it’s costly.

Can’t say sorry for my raw emotion.

It has its own waves, such a vast ocean.

Dive deep. Beauty can’t be seen by floating.

You’ll swim through layers of love and loathing.

Watch as creatures protect caves and tokens.

Explore an ecosystem unfolding.

When you come up for air, swim to the shore.

Take a break, breathe, you’ll find calmness and more.

As for me, the ocean’s my home and core.

Sadly, there’s no escape, no trap door.

It’s okay though, I use love as decor.

I’ll await your return, my friend, rapport. 

Unfortunate

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Well, I thought it was unfortunate.

The way you confined me, like a tourniquet.

Jokes on you, babe. Can’t turn a misfit.

Am who I am, done what I’ve done, get with it.

My mistake was thinking there was one.

Finally I woke up, screaming I’m so done.

Congrats on your battle; it’s a war I’ve won.

“You’ll never leave me” a line for beginners.

Bring out the firing squad, pull the triggers.

Well, I thought it was quite misleading.

Tell me that you’ll marry me; stop my breathing.

I tried on a ring, so deceiving.

Now, you’ve done it all. We’re dead and I’m grieving.

My mistake was thinking there was one.

Finally I woke up, screaming I’m so done.

Congrats on your battle; it’s a war I’ve won.

“You can’t do better” a line for beginners.

Bring out the firing squad, pull the triggers!

Well, I thought it was a punishment.

Karma’s coming back with all these troubled men.

Once I catch a man, I’m fumbling.

Relationships so rocky, they’re crumbling.

My mistake was thinking there was one.

Finally I woke up, screaming I’m so done.

Congrats on your battle; it’s a war I’ve won.

“You’re just a quitter” a line for begginers.

Face the firing squad, I’ll pull the trigger.

This

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This defeat is a victory.

What part of that can’t you see?

You’ve never pushed or fought this hard for anyone or anything. You’re finishing what you started, not just leaving it a dream.

You’ve learned to depend on yourself, instead of a team.

This nightmare woke you up into all the right things.

This defeat is a victory.

Now there’s an old you, new me.

I command the room now, so here, have a seat.

Took nearly twenty-seven years for us to meet.

Thank God, I like her, and she likes me.

This nightmare woke me up into all the right things.

This defeat is a victory.

Simplistic

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It pays to be observant.

Rest assured, you deserve it.

Thinking no one hears you

talking ‘bout me like you do.

You may as well be screaming from the rooftops.

You wouldn’t shut up, even if you could stop.

Time and time again, I catch you in the act.

I say next to nothing, and you know that’s a fact.

 Now that I’m writing, you’re scared and confused.

Hoping I stay quiet, but I’m sorry, you’re the muse.

Why am I even taking time to apologize?

I’m writing a true story, wouldn’t waste my time on lies.

Maybe you should’ve been a better person.

But, who am I to even give you a warning?

Sorry not sorry for reflecting on my past. 

The tables have now turned, feeling free at last.

R

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I hope you accept my apology.

It’s a little late, but fuck the chronology.

To you, I was a me that I didn’t know.

Young and dumb, I guess, just goes to show…

I ruined a good man and a good thing.

But, God had other plans and we just weren’t meant to be. 

He took the heat, when I was to blame.

There he was, burning, and I, the flame.

Fling? What’s that? We lasted nearly four years.

I just didn’t know what love was; my heart had never shed a tear.

I needed to learn, I needed that heart break.

I needed to look back, needed to see my mistakes.

You deserved better than me, and always have.

Now you have a new love, and for you, I’m glad.

With her, down to the name, you have a second chance.

I pray your heart is healed and full; that her love can’t

ever run out.

I have never done a wrong,

like the wrong I did to you.

I hope you accept my gratitude.

So much to say; I can’t wrap it up in a thank you.

Four years, as a kid, I grew up with you.

Gave me all of you, and I gave you nine million attitudes.

Did I even say thank you?

Back then?

That’s when

you needed it the most.

Did I give that to you?

Damn, I hope.

To clarify, I don’t miss you and I don’t miss us.

I miss all the missed opportunities I had to tell you that I suck.

So, once again, allow me to apologize.

Half of that shit was my fault, I won’t lie.

By half, I mean most. And by most, I mean all.

Thank you for breaking me, gifting me that fall.

Without you, I’d still give a selfish love.

Without you, I’d be blind to the gifts from up above.

I needed to hurt you and be hurt by you.

I needed those lessons that could only be taught by you.

It’s not you, it’s me.

Please, accept my apology.