“Today, we are going to draw a picture of how you feel.”

She handed me a piece of paper. Another blank and pointless piece, as if she expected a different outcome than our session last week.

Alone, uncomfortably sitting in the colors of white. If white is even a color at all.

I drew. Lightening, black lines; tears.

Obnoxiously filling this boxed in sheet with the “norm.”

Did you want to ask me today, listen, to how I feel?

I will answer that for you.

No.

I may have been another free session, but you did not have to make it as heartbreakingly clear.

I needed you at this time. I needed someone.

I was fourteen and lost in a cruel, secluded desert. Wrinkles on my lips were bleeding out for help. Dehydrated, and you held the water in arms reach.

I got in the car, and told my mother we were never going back.

I lost hope in therapists in that moment, and what a shame, because I was so young. However, I simply could not process. I had already been treated like a placeholder. Why did you hold the right to continue that warped thought?

Trauma invades your mind, your spirit. Any textbook can tell you that, but to those who have felt it… understand at a much deeper level, the power of those barricading spikes.

Years passed, and there it was. An elephant in the corner of every room, in the back of my mind. Unavoidable, uncomfortable, and clearly unspoken. I never put the animal in his cage, so mine decided to stick around and remind me. Because I backed down in fear, hid in innocence, that choice affected me in numerous ways for years to follow. I lost confidence in my refusal, and thus resulting in a zoo.

Social, beyond measure; turned reclusive.

Friends with anyone; turned to acquaintances.

I no longer would thirst for a developed relationship, with anyone, and I let relationships slide. I still do. When you have looked betrayal in the eyes, you never want to look at them again. It changes you. Inevitable, and most would say drastic. No longer the same, and I used to miss who I was prior to the destruction. Almost has been so long, that I may forget myself from time to time.

However, this coined phrase no longer resides in a negative light.

I am proud to stand here before all of you, with this animal beside me. No longer will he be hidden in the dark, but rather embraced.

Elephants are magnificent creatures. Wise, with impeccable memories. Loving, and they  sparkle with strength and grace. These beautiful creatures embody me. From experiencing failure and pain, I too have become wiser. Heartbroken, yet still am able to open my heart to love. Pressurized to such an extent, that I too sparkle. Carrying my head higher than ever before.

I would stand with a million elephants, rather than flood delusions with snakes.

Stay looking towards the light, and until next time,

Lo.